Organized Religion is a Fandom


It came to me in a dream, or something.  I dreamed of God on their laptop, trolling the forums of their own “followers.”

So, here’s the thing, every organized religion tries to tell the story of all of human history, beginning with the creation of the Earth by some great egotistical – I mean omnipotent – being.  So, considering how hugely long and incredibly epic a story like this is, it is not surprising at all that different versions of the story have cropped up all over the place.  The real problem is not the story, mind you, it’s an interesting story and it’s pretty in-depth (despite some very serious plot holes); no, no – what I find disturbing is the fan base.  It’s like Ghandi said once, “I like your Christ, but not your Christians.”  And of course!  Christianity has probably the most ridiculous fan base ever – they keep coming up with more and more insane fanfics, their ships are ridiculous and god forbid (literally) you point out their glaring plot holes or they’ll fucking flame you (again, literally) and all of your friends.

Really, the fandom for the Abrahamic Religions is entirely out of control – they’ve got three core books and they can’t ever fucking agree on what is and is not cannon (actually, they cite the books to prove that they’ll never resolve that conflict), and each one is split up into a million different ships who all will literally fight to the death for their favorite fanfic.  Moreover, they won’t leave the Author alone, constantly emailing, calling, writing fan mail – most of them seem to think they can reach him through telekinesis and you know, I wish they could because if that motherfucker would just come out and say what is and isn’t cannon, maybe we can kill this fandom for fucking good.  But, as it turns out, the Author is completely anon – could be the biggest troll the world has ever seen for all we know – we don’t even know how many Authors there were!  Which means, anybody can claim to be Him and some of the crazier fans do, creating entire sites around their ship and entirely deviating from or otherwise taking the core out of context to match their own sloppy version of the universe.

There are plenty of other annoying fandoms, but really this one is pretty sufficient to get my point across.  And you know, I don’t really care what your fandom is or what your ship is, but these folks are so crazy, they think the shit’s real so here’s my proposal:  You can have your books, your movies, your forums and your cons, but those fucking fan sites have GOT to come down.  There is not enough space and we don’t want your crazy shit up in our faces all the damn time (if you saw a church of Twilight, you’d fucking burn it), all we ask is you take the sites down and you can have all the rest – just keep it the fuck out of the rest of the world’s faces.


God is Neutral


Every now and then, I see signs or hear people tell me this or that about ‘God’. They say “God loves you,” “God loves everyone,” “Everything happens for a reason,” and, sometimes even more often where I live, “God hates fags,” “Sinners be damned,” “AIDS is God’s punishment for fags” (yeah, that’s actually a sign) always some shit about an eternal lake of fire and Satan is generally mixed in somewhere and honestly, I don’t get it. Whatever this ‘God’ is doesn’t really seem to give a shit about any of those things, and beyond that, what is it exactly about us that makes us so sure that ‘God’ is even conscious?


Now sure, ‘God’ might be some omnipotent being (it doesn’t matter, by the way, what name you give it), ‘God’ might be everything. You can’t know. How convenient. I know nothing except what I think I know and I think that everything in the universe is moved by the same force, but I won’t call it ‘God’ and I won’t say it has a consciousness because if it does, it’s an asshole.


If order and disorder emerge from the same chaotic subatomic movements and patterns, so too do good and evil, death and life, male and female, and all of the other ridiculous binaries we’ve created in semi-equal proportion. It is precisely this that makes these binaries false – if they emerge from the same patterns, movements, forces (pick one), then there must also emerge a spectrum of grey area in between where more neutral possibilities exist. The trouble with all this ‘God’ rhetoric is that it acknowledges ‘God’ as the Great Being behind all of the movements and events in the universe but ignores any possibility of neutrality or evil in ‘God’s’ great works, blaming these things on ‘Satan’ (whoever that is). It seems ‘God’ is behind everything, but ‘Satan’ has the power to fuck it up and ‘God’ doesn’t have to take responsibility so s/he/it can claim eternal ‘goodness’.


I’ve known people to claim that they know ‘God’, know he exists and claim to have a very personal relationship with ‘Him’ (I don’t know why ‘God’ is always a Him). My sister even likes to tell me that I’m going to hell if I don’t get in touch with this ‘God’ every time we get drunk together (which doesn’t often happen, thank fuck). And, you know, maybe they’re right. After all, living life ignorant to the chaotic nature of the world and its interconnectedness and trying to subsist every day in desperate attempts to control the uncontrollable does seem a bit like hell to me, but my definition of this strange ‘God’ figure seems lost on folks who claim to know ‘Him’ so I don’t usually bother going there.


My point is, that ‘God’ is nothing. If it is a conscious being, it is absolutely neutral in all things. It does not love you or hate you, protect you or try to smite you – or it might do all of those things simultaneously along with everything in between and everything outside but in the end, it doesn’t matter. That’s right, ‘God’ doesn’t give a shit about you or me or anybody or anything else, not any more than nature, technology, the elements or the stars do. It is simply too big and too everywhere, how could it? You can pray, or light candles, or meditate or ritualistically sacrifice animals or virgins or virgin animals, but in the end everything that is going to happen will happen and you might have influenced it or not, it makes no matter because the world keeps spinning and the universe keeps moving no matter what you do.


That said, you either participate in the world, accountable for your part in its movements and allow that ‘God’ is the manifestation of our consciousness that acknowledges the eternal connectedness of everything and the neutrality of chaos, or you don’t. And either way, it’s all in your head.