Organized Religion is a Fandom

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It came to me in a dream, or something.  I dreamed of God on their laptop, trolling the forums of their own “followers.”

So, here’s the thing, every organized religion tries to tell the story of all of human history, beginning with the creation of the Earth by some great egotistical – I mean omnipotent – being.  So, considering how hugely long and incredibly epic a story like this is, it is not surprising at all that different versions of the story have cropped up all over the place.  The real problem is not the story, mind you, it’s an interesting story and it’s pretty in-depth (despite some very serious plot holes); no, no – what I find disturbing is the fan base.  It’s like Ghandi said once, “I like your Christ, but not your Christians.”  And of course!  Christianity has probably the most ridiculous fan base ever – they keep coming up with more and more insane fanfics, their ships are ridiculous and god forbid (literally) you point out their glaring plot holes or they’ll fucking flame you (again, literally) and all of your friends.

Really, the fandom for the Abrahamic Religions is entirely out of control – they’ve got three core books and they can’t ever fucking agree on what is and is not cannon (actually, they cite the books to prove that they’ll never resolve that conflict), and each one is split up into a million different ships who all will literally fight to the death for their favorite fanfic.  Moreover, they won’t leave the Author alone, constantly emailing, calling, writing fan mail – most of them seem to think they can reach him through telekinesis and you know, I wish they could because if that motherfucker would just come out and say what is and isn’t cannon, maybe we can kill this fandom for fucking good.  But, as it turns out, the Author is completely anon – could be the biggest troll the world has ever seen for all we know – we don’t even know how many Authors there were!  Which means, anybody can claim to be Him and some of the crazier fans do, creating entire sites around their ship and entirely deviating from or otherwise taking the core out of context to match their own sloppy version of the universe.

There are plenty of other annoying fandoms, but really this one is pretty sufficient to get my point across.  And you know, I don’t really care what your fandom is or what your ship is, but these folks are so crazy, they think the shit’s real so here’s my proposal:  You can have your books, your movies, your forums and your cons, but those fucking fan sites have GOT to come down.  There is not enough space and we don’t want your crazy shit up in our faces all the damn time (if you saw a church of Twilight, you’d fucking burn it), all we ask is you take the sites down and you can have all the rest – just keep it the fuck out of the rest of the world’s faces.

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